I don't know how to answer her questions and so I don't. "Did you eat today?" "Are you purging ?" "Why are you doing this again?"  She turns back to look at me, expecting a reply but I don't have any. The silence stretches out until she gets out of the car. I am nauseous and curl up in the back of the mini-van. I watch the clouds go by, listening to the shitty easy listening my sister likes. I hate when she asks me these questions, I don't want to talk about any of it. I don't want to acknowledge what is going on, especially to her, not ever to her. 

I read a chapter of Mockingjay and decide that I feel good enough to go back into the party. I'm glad to see I've missed the cake being eaten. My sister is gathering up her kids and my mom is saying her good byes. I've missed almost the whole birthday party. Not that it really matters, kids parties  are "brutally dull" to use my brothers words. 

I can hear the sound of my niece and her friend singing in the locker room. I laugh about this with my nephew who knows how embarrassed his sister will be once she finds out that the whole pool got to hear their rendition of Justin Beiber's "Boyfriend". 

We all finally get into the van. My mom asks how I feel and I tell her fine, it was the heat in the indoor pool that made me sick. It could have been that, unlike my sister I don't automatically think everything wrong is tied to the eating disorder. It pisses me off that she does, but I guess I can't change how she thinks. I just wish that she would quit vocalizing every thought she has about it. 

^ currently how I feel about recovery/not recovering from my eating disorder. Leaning more towards life sucks less with it, than without it. 

Of course that is not what I am supposed to say or feel. So I keep it to myself. I've gotten good at hiding the unraveling currently going on in my head and body. 

I want to just, not be here, not be in my head all the time. And to a large extent thats what not eating does for me, it breaks things down to the very basics of functioning until I can't. There is not so much anxiety. 

Lately I been relapsing into old eating disorder behaviors. I realize that nothing good will come from this but I find it hard to care. I feel as if since I don't matter, it doesn't matter. Of course the more I restrict the stronger these worthless feeling become.

I have no direction in my life, just feel like everything I've tried to do I've failed at. Even losing weight, I never got down to the weight I wanted. It's frustrating, I'm so worthless even at the one thing that you'd think I'd be semi-good at.

I wish that I had made different choices in my life, taken a different road. I feel as if these last couple years all I've done is fuck up, consistently.

My Mind.

Words circle in my head, looping around until they form a black nest. Trying to combat them all is exhausting. Mostly I let the snarl of thoughts eat away at me. Just because they aren't happy doesn't mean they aren't true. 

Let's Pretend.

No, let's not talk about it. I want to shove it away. Put it in the closet and not let the mistakes I make taint our relationship. I'll always be a little crazy. Well, you know that or you will. I put on a mighty fine mask but sometimes it slips. Let's not talk about it. Edge around it and pretend that it's all ok. That's what I want, to hope for more is hoping for too much. And I've learned hope is dangerous to hold on to for too long.

meh, selfish I am.

I haven't been eating properly this week. Do I care? Not really. Am I hungry? I suppose. Is the eating disorder coming back full force?
 yes.

Who cares though? I don't. I should but really what I want, is to just self-destruct. I know its selfish and my friend told me that she doesn't like it when I lose weight but, I tend to think she says that just to act concerned, and not out of actual concern.

(btw doesn't that cake look fucking good?)

Mixed Signals

this is how I've been feeling a lot lately. Maybe I'm just talking myself out of eating? Probably so. But lately the more I think I'm hungry the less I feel like I actually want to eat. The signals are all fucked up.

Giving In to the E.D.

I can't seem to get a handle on things. Life always seems to run away from me and before I realize, things have gone to shit. Again. Maybe not again. Still. Still shit. And here I am standing in the middle of it all wondering how it ended up like this. Seriously as if I don't know, as if everyone doesn't know why my life is in complete shambles.

That is what an eating disorder does, it rips every thing apart and leaves it slimy finger prints on everything. As I try to put my world back together again (friends, school, me) the ed sneaks in and whispers to me "You are such a waste, why bother?" And I agree. I sit back down and let the unrepaired arts fall back into the muck. Splat, there goes friendships (I don't deserve them), next school (too stupid, such an idiot). Self-esteem, that is so buried in toxic shit I never did pull it out but I dump more on top of it just to be sure that it won't try to threaten the eating disorder "Fat stupid, bad friend, lazy, bad aunt, selfish, disgusting, old  vile" slap all of that on it and its not-likely to make another appearance.

 And I wonder why I don't like myself? Was I disgusting and then the negative talk started or was it that i started the negative self-talk and then felt like a bad person? I've never really liked myself, even as a child I would lay in the tub crying about how disgusting I was. I longed to be like my friends: smart, funny, charismatic, and pretty. My whole life I have always been the homely one , the sister who isn't as good as the rest of the family. Awkward. I saw the wrong things to the wrong people. I am just socially inept. Unlike my sister and brothers who can charm everyone. I am the one who doesn't fit in. that's one of my justifications for not eating. Better to be the smallest thing in the room if I'm going to be so ugly and awkward. Take up less space, and be noticed less.. I tell friends I want to blend into the background. Its true. I don't ant people to notice me. if they notice me then they will see all my flaws. No I'd rather blend into the scenery. I joke that the reason I don't want my picture taken is that I don't want proof I ever existed and actually its true. I would rather people not remember me. I feel like even the memory of me would be a disappointing. Better to forget I ever lived.

I've gained 10 lbs since starting recovery, which I guess is ok. I'm not like jumping for joy but I'm not about to throw myself in front of a bus over it. My weight has settled, hasn't really budged in 2 weeks or so. Maybe this is just the weight I am supposed to be? If it is I'll take it, for now. I keepwaffling on the whole recovery thing. I really do miss the semi-high I got from fasting, I miss setting a goal and reaching it, even if it is a really fucking stupid goal. One thing I have had trouble with lately is wanting to hurt myself, usually I'd just fast to punish myself for being me, but now...its like I have no way to vent those feelings. I did scare myself the other night though, I took way to many pills, like 10x the dose, it didn't do much except make me sleep for a long time. But the thing is, I don't know if I would have cared if it did more. So I feel like, why bother recovering? Couldn't I just go back to that, which is more predictable than the state of mind I am currently in? I feel like either way I'm fucked. Don't eat, screw up, feel bad. Eat, realize how worthless you are and feel bad. I don't know. I'm kind of just waiting til my friends leave on Sunday to decide whether or not to just say fuck this shit and go back to fasting/purging. 

God I'm Dull

Eating disorders are really boring. They push out everything interesting from your life and replace it with dull, dry, boring. I had this thought when I was at the grocery store, buying "safe" food (carrots, broccoli, gum). EDs are just so damn dull. I'm so damn dull when I am in the throes of it. All my energy goes towards planning what I'm going to eat or when I can go work out or how many pills I can take to fall asleep. I have no energy for anything important like friends, school, work. I'm just a walking calorie counting zombie. Why the hell is it so hard to break free from this thing? It's not as if it is any good at all.

It's just so hard sometimes.

Sleepy. Lately I've just wanted to curl up in bed and sleep. I'm getting fat and it is depressing. I feel like in the past month I've become even larger.
I look down and it's like my thighs have gotten bigger overnight (not possible, right?) but of course it's true. The scale tells me I'm gaining weight.
hideous. Just too big. Too out of control, eating too much. Stop it. Stop eating. Why are you bothering? Why bother with all this silly life shit when it's just me.
I feel such a deep disgust with myself everytime I eat. I know of course this isn't healthy. Of course it isn't. The wiring in my brain is switched and food is bad and fasting is good.
Everyday I battle with myself and when I eat I feel like I've failed. A big fat failure. Not good enough for anything. Just not strong enough to be anything special.
I just feel like all I'm doing with this recovery is getting fat. And I never got down to an acceptable weight anyways, so why gain weight? Shouldn't I try to lose weight instead?

Among the things I've lost the thing that hurts the most is losing me.

tempted to go back

Apparently everything I'm feeling is perfectly normal for someone recovering from an e.d. I suppose I should find this somewhat comforting but I really don't. I told my therapist how lately I have the urge to hurt myself and she said it makes sense, I have mostly stopped hurting my body with the e.d. so there is a sense that I should hurt in some way. I don't know, I mean it makes sense but really I just miss the way not eating feels. Its the most comfortable uncomfortable feeling I know.

I'm going to try to recover

Reasons to recover
(for me personally)

I would be a better role model to my nieces
I would be healthy
I wouldn’t have to lie all the time
I would sleep better
I would be able to concentrate
I would be more social
I’d enjoy food
The scale wouldn’t dictate what I was/wasn’t allowed to eat
I wouldn’t have to purge
I wouldn’t use pills as punishment
If I died my friend and family would suffer.
 
I actually made this list when I was contemplating whether or not I wanted to recover. I brought it to my therapy session when I told my therapist I wanted to get better. She was pretty excited, lol as was I. I am determined to kick my eds ass.

Watch this video, its amazing.

10 myths about e.d.s

definitely watch this if you have questions about what an e.d. is and is not.

not sure what i'm doing anymore.

Been struggling a bit with eating. I didn't eat for 2 days, but just had some rice and tomatoes. I feel too full. Sitting here trying to distract myself from purging, so thought I'd blog a bit and hope the feeling goes away. Its funny how so little food can feel like a binge. Adding it up in my head, 400 or so calories, not near a binge. but I find myself feeling as if any food is too much. I pick up food and think, do I deserve this? And invariably the answer is no. So I put it down and make more tea. If I do eat than I feel like I have failed. I didn't deserve that food, so why did I eat it? Oh right because I need it to live. 

Seems to me I've been lost awhile now but have yet to find myself. More and more I have no idea who I am. I think a lot of times that people who've met me these past couple years haven't really gotten to know me. They've gotten to know the depression, the eating disorder, but have they been able to meet me? Probably not. Sure there are glimmers of the real me, but usually it is quickly squashed by self hate and bad behaviors. I know what I should do, but its so hard to actually do it. I know I should eat, exercise moderately etc etc. But when it comes down to it I'm just not ready to uncover who I really am.

quickie post

My therapist said that my feeling fat verges on hallucinations, bah how can you hallucinate what is so clearly there?

Ignorant Bitch

I saw a youtube video today that really upset me. It was a girl who was ranting about how stupid and lazy people with eating disorders are. Do people really think like this? I mean I understand not understanding eating disorders, but to out right say such mean and hateful things? 

I can only chalk it up to her youth and ignorance. She says that anorexics are just lazy and should take a walk. oh the lolz. Girl you need some major education on what eating disorders are. People with eating disorders aren't all lazy, we aren't starving ourselves because we're too lazy to exercise. Many people with eds also struggle with over exercising. There has been many times where I was so sick I could hardly manage to pull on my sneakers to go to the gym, but I did because that voice in my head kept telling me I was worthless if I didn't. 

How dare you call people with eating disorders stupid, how dare you presume to know the millions of men and women who struggle everyday with this, how dare you post your vile hate filled rants on youtube. I hope that you can someday grow up enough to see past the nose on your face, because if you don't someday the universe is going to bring a smack down on you so hard that your head will spin.

eating disorders suck

• I buy clothes that are too big because I am sure they will fit me
• I lie to get out of meals
• I take too many sleeping pills because I’m sure that because of my size I require more
• I panic trying on clothes
• I purge into the trash because I don’t want people to hear me in the bathroom
• I over exercise
• I starve
• I put food into safe/unsafe, easy to purge/hard to purge categories
• I wish I was thin
• I’m exhausted all the time
• I dream about eating, then wake up panicking until I realize it was just a dream
• I take laxatives
• I swear I won’t purge again, but then do it all over the next time i eat
• I worry about gaining weight
• I hate my body
• I’m on anti-depressants
• I’m in therapy
• I am unlovable
• I am a bad role model to the kids in my family
• I have lost friends because of my e.d.
• I live off coffee and gum
• I want to be perfect
• I’ve went a week without eating
• I have broken all of my rules
• I wish I had never started this
• I cannot stand being touched, I feel like they will judge how fat I am
• I look at pictures of extremely emaciated women and am both horrified and envious of them
• I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy
• I once clogged the dorm showers because I was purging
• I feel lonely all of the time
• I don’t know if I’m worth saving
• I weigh myself at least 4 times a day
• I wish my mother would acknowledge that this e.d. is real
• I wish people would stop lecturing me
• I  sometimes wish I would just die to get out of this cycle.