not so obvious as you think

People think that people could realize that depression is not easily seen. Frankly I think its pretty easy to hide. I suppose people think since their pain is such a big thing in their lives they think everyone else should be able to see it. But in all honesty unles you're wearing a giant sign saying "DEPRESSED, SUIICIDAL, IN PAIN"  not a lot of people are going to just going to know that things are wrong. 

whine with that?

This past year I feel like I've learned that confiding in others can really back fire on you. (and them). I don't feel as comfortable as I once did telling people things that are going on in my head and in my life. 

I realize that everyone has things going on that they are struggling with and I just don't want to burden them with what is going on with me. And although I miss going to certain people for support I cannot justify it at this time. Perhaps someday I will fee ok with opening up to people again but for now I'll keep things quiet. 

Wallow, but move ON.

Sometimes I think it's important to blow your shit up and have a good cry, yell and rant. Not all the time, you don't want to be Debbie Downer, but for fucks sake, yes it is ok to have negative feelings about shit. 

Honestly, not everything good in life will at first me to you in a rosy package, ready to be unwrapped.

Sometimes, life will knock you down and it sucks. it fucking SUCKS. and no its not great or wonderful, and all you can do is cry. But after crying you have got to move on. You have to pick up the broken (cliche!) pieces and sift through all the shit and find the good that is there, and if you can't you need to get up and move your pile of bones to a new locale and seek out the people and places that will get you through this unbelievably shitty time with a new perspective and new love of life. 

A lot of the time you won't even want to get up and change things. You will want to sit and wallow and gather around all the "what ifs' and 'why me's?"  but you can't do this. If you're in the bad,  dark place feel it but  move on. Life can suck, but you can't be stuck in that place. There is too much good that comes after, and even BECAUSE of the bad things to just wallow in the shitty. 

Hey, path choose yourself.

My birthday is coming up at the end of March. I've never felt any particular way about milestones passing by, but this year I do. I feel as if I am not anywhere near where I should be in my life. I just want my birthday to pass without notice, because if people notice then they will notice me. I'd rather they not notice me, or what I have failed to do with my life. I can't help but feel like this year I've proven that I am just an awful person.

I've failed out of college, moved in with my mom, gained a shit ton of weight and messed up everything. How do I get back on track? I seriously don't know what to do. i fee awful, like such a disgusting piece of shit. I try to forumulate plans to get back o track but I don't seem to have any idea on how to get there.

I used to think that if I did one thing it would lead down a path and get me to where I wanted to be. I don't think that way anymore. I know now that if i do something it does not necessariy lead to happiy ever after, life is not like that. I wish that things were like a movie where everything wraps up in the end in a nice tidy perfect gift.

I just don't know what I am doing anymore. I need a sign, push, thunk on the noggin that wil tell me, "GO THIS WAY"   It always feels as if everyone else is onfident of the road they are travelling, and I am always turning back, checking the map, worrying that this is not where I should go.

How do other people do it? How in the hell do people know what path to choose? Argh, why can't i just know which way to go with my life!?

Lately I been relapsing into old eating disorder behaviors. I realize that nothing good will come from this but I find it hard to care. I feel as if since I don't matter, it doesn't matter. Of course the more I restrict the stronger these worthless feeling become.

I have no direction in my life, just feel like everything I've tried to do I've failed at. Even losing weight, I never got down to the weight I wanted. It's frustrating, I'm so worthless even at the one thing that you'd think I'd be semi-good at.

I wish that I had made different choices in my life, taken a different road. I feel as if these last couple years all I've done is fuck up, consistently.

I cannot stand the sight of me. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, the reflection makes me so mad at myself. How did I let myself get so fat? How do I get some sort of control back so that I can look at myself? Well first off, I need to stop shoving food into my fat face. I need to work out a shit ton more than I do now. I need to remember that I don't deserve to eat, that it's not the answer to anything. What I will do, is lose this weight, plus some. I won't give in to hunger, or laziness, or this stupid fucking idea that I deserve recovery. What a joke. Ha. I don't deserve anything.

Sia~ I'm in Here. (vocal, piano version)

I'm in here, can anybody see me?
Can anybody help?

I'm in here, a prisoner of history,
Can anybody help?

[CHORUS]
Can't you hear my call?
Are you coming to get me now?
I've been waiting for, 
You to come rescue me,
I need you to hold,
All of the sadness I can not,
Living inside of me.

I'm in here, I'm trying to tell you something,
Can anybody help?

I'm in here, I'm calling out but you can't hear,
Can anybody help?

[CHORUS]

I'm crying out, I'm breaking down,
I am fearing it all,
Stuck inside these walls,
Tell me there is hope for me
Is anybody out there listening?

[CHORUS] x 2

I'm in here, can anybody see me?
Can anybody help?

Stop Wallowing in the Past.

How true! And it seems like most of us re-read the worst chapters more than any of the others. Why do we do this? What makes us go continually back to the parts of our lives that we would rather just forget? Instead of saying that this is a new day, a new start, we just keep moping over the last part that we fucked up. Oh us humans are odd little creatures.

I've gained 10 lbs since starting recovery, which I guess is ok. I'm not like jumping for joy but I'm not about to throw myself in front of a bus over it. My weight has settled, hasn't really budged in 2 weeks or so. Maybe this is just the weight I am supposed to be? If it is I'll take it, for now. I keepwaffling on the whole recovery thing. I really do miss the semi-high I got from fasting, I miss setting a goal and reaching it, even if it is a really fucking stupid goal. One thing I have had trouble with lately is wanting to hurt myself, usually I'd just fast to punish myself for being me, but now...its like I have no way to vent those feelings. I did scare myself the other night though, I took way to many pills, like 10x the dose, it didn't do much except make me sleep for a long time. But the thing is, I don't know if I would have cared if it did more. So I feel like, why bother recovering? Couldn't I just go back to that, which is more predictable than the state of mind I am currently in? I feel like either way I'm fucked. Don't eat, screw up, feel bad. Eat, realize how worthless you are and feel bad. I don't know. I'm kind of just waiting til my friends leave on Sunday to decide whether or not to just say fuck this shit and go back to fasting/purging. 

Here I am again. Doing the same old shit, again.

I am broken and no glue can put me back together again. I'm flawed and nothing in the world will fix it. I wish for more strength but do little to build it. Life's so short and I'm wasting it . I want and need to feel better about myself but its hard. Really hard and I'm lazy.

My bad traits seem to out number the good. Why is it so easy to remember  all the bad things I've done and none of the good things.

I'm lonely, stupid, selfish and so much more. I would add fa to that list but that would be too obvious. I give up way to easily, my whole life has been me running away from uncomfortable situations

Lately I've felt a disconnect with life. Looking back on this past year I have done nothing to be proud of, nothing worth the air I breathed.
I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I am consumed by fear, fear of rejection, fear of gaining weight, fear of rejection. And so I isolate and coast through life.

not sure what i'm doing anymore.

Been struggling a bit with eating. I didn't eat for 2 days, but just had some rice and tomatoes. I feel too full. Sitting here trying to distract myself from purging, so thought I'd blog a bit and hope the feeling goes away. Its funny how so little food can feel like a binge. Adding it up in my head, 400 or so calories, not near a binge. but I find myself feeling as if any food is too much. I pick up food and think, do I deserve this? And invariably the answer is no. So I put it down and make more tea. If I do eat than I feel like I have failed. I didn't deserve that food, so why did I eat it? Oh right because I need it to live. 

Seems to me I've been lost awhile now but have yet to find myself. More and more I have no idea who I am. I think a lot of times that people who've met me these past couple years haven't really gotten to know me. They've gotten to know the depression, the eating disorder, but have they been able to meet me? Probably not. Sure there are glimmers of the real me, but usually it is quickly squashed by self hate and bad behaviors. I know what I should do, but its so hard to actually do it. I know I should eat, exercise moderately etc etc. But when it comes down to it I'm just not ready to uncover who I really am.

I hate this nervous energy I get. Anxious for no reason at all. I don't want to move. I don't want to sit still. I want to cease to be until I feel normal again. I crawl back under the covers and try to make my heart calm down. I listen to my breathing. Days when the anxiety is particularly bad, even the sound of my own breath makes me want to scream.

I try to explain the anxiety to others, but they don't understand that there is no reason for it. If I could put a finger on it, I would. I would happily fix it, or realize I can't fix it and move on. But no, this is not that kind of worry. This is the worry that has no origin. When I can't place where the worry should go, I just decide that its me, I am the one who is the cause of the worry. There must be something wrong with me, deep down, that makes the worry come in black waves that immobilizes me until I can't think or take action in any direction.

The only direction I seem to be able to take in these moments is to fall straight back into my e.d. It eases the worry. It is something to focus on besides how utterly useless and stupid I am.

*may trigger.

I lay in bed worrying about the food I've eaten. I add it up in my head. Definitely too much. There was no need to eat those pretzels or those peppers. My mind starts to race. From calories to how much of an annoyance I am to those around me. I over-share. I need to keep my big fat mouth closed, in conversations and when eating. 

I get up and drag the scale out from under my bed. Getting on I'm disgusted with the number. Just purge, I think. And so I do. In the dark into the waste basket. Still messy with what I just did I get back on the scale, the number is slightly lower, but I'm not happy with it. I shove it back into place with my foot and wash up. 

I'll fast tomorrow to make up for purging tonight. I'll be good. I'll be more careful with what I eat. I'll be all around better, I won't bug people, I won't put off things til the last moment. I won't waste a minute of the day.