This past year I feel like I've learned that confiding in others can really back fire on you. (and them). I don't feel as comfortable as I once did telling people things that are going on in my head and in my life. 

I realize that everyone has things going on that they are struggling with and I just don't want to burden them with what is going on with me. And although I miss going to certain people for support I cannot justify it at this time. Perhaps someday I will fee ok with opening up to people again but for now I'll keep things quiet. 

weekend at home.

I spent the weekend with my friends and family. It was very nice. My friend Amy went with, she is so easy to hang out with, very low key and easy going. It is very nice to be around people who aren't always demanding constant attention. My family loves her as well, my 1 year old nephew decided she was the best reader of his book and made her read it about a million times. By the end of the weekend I think she was ready to throw the book in the trash! 

Am I capable of changing?

I dislike the person I have let myself become.
Lazy. Self-destructive. Cynical.
I want to change. I want to become someone to be proud of.
Let the eating disorder go. Let the self-hate go.
I want to be more than this, this thing who measures worth out it calories.
To do this, to become someone capable of loving life, of being loved: I need to be strong.
I want to make my family proud. I want them to be able to look at me and not feel pity.
Life should be more than this mental struggle.
I know that somewhere inside of me is the will to do things right. Its not enough to wish for things to change, I have to actively pursue it.

Life by classic t.v.

I remember being really little and wanting the kind of family from "Little House on the Prairie" and "The Waltons" and all the shows with intact families. I wanted a family like that, a mom and a dad and brothers and sisters who were all functional. Sure they had their disagreements but in the end they came together and persevered stronger than ever. The dad didn't leave. The mom didn't obsessively diet or clean. The siblings never had any problems that couldn't be solved within the hour. It all seemed so safe. That is what I always wanted when I was younger, just the feeling of home being this comforting place instead of a place where anything could happen. I don't know that I've ever given up on this dream of being safe, comforted and secure.

so the question is:

what was your favorite t.v. family?
what is your idea of the perfect family home life?
what t.v. family does your's most resemble?

20 minutes at home

I notice the way you blow the smoke out of your mouth, turning away from me. As if by doing this I cannot see the baby bump underneath your clothing. You pick the chair towards the house so passersby won't see you lighting up when you're pregnant.  I look away down the block trying to think of some common ground we have to talk about.
I start the small talk up again, luckily you run away with it. You love to elaborate. Or if I'm being more honest you love to lie. I can hardly stand to listen because I know that you can't have a conversation without telling lies. You lean over and flick the ash into the coffee can my mom put out here for butts. All the while you are telling me about a coworker who lets her children play violent video games. I tsk in all the right places. I agree that children shouldn't play those games. I also know that your own play them but in this story you've left that tidbit out. How conveniently you forget this.
My mom comes out to smoke with you and so I don't feel the need to chit chat anymore and I go inside. The babies are dancing to Elmo's World. They look so cute. Adam loses interest before his cousin and comes over to the couch where I am sitting. He rests his blonde head on my lap and looks up at me. I can't resist him and pick him up. He giggles and squirms away, crawling onto the coffee table. I know this game, I hold out my hands and he throw himself at me. Giggling hysterically we do this about 10 more times before I finally kiss him and put him down. Chloe looks over and shyly smiles at me, she isn't as sure of me as Adam. I wish I was home more so she'd get used to me, I love her so much.

I hate distance

My moms been sick the last couple of days. She threw her back out and has a cold, so every time she coughs she says it kill her back. 

I wish I was there to take care of her. It worries me that she is alone, I keep thinking what if something happens? She told me that she has trouble getting up once she sits or lies down. I hate to think of her being stuck somewhere. I called her today just to make sure she was ok, she's still sick but at least I know she's not trapped somewhere stuck because of her back. 

I probably worry too much, my sister and brothers all live in the same town as her so I'm sure she will be taken care of, but they all have families and its not as if they could be there for her all the time. Ugh sometimes I wish I didn't live so far away!

Six year old logic is HILARIOUS.

My 6 year old nephew and I were out walking his baby brother the other day when Eli looked at me very seriously and asked "Lee are you ever going to get married?"

To which I quickly replied, "I don't think so" 

"You have to get married!" Eli said with all his 6 year old wisdom about adult relationships

"No I don't, I can live alone, have my own house with a dog and a cat and friends and be happy" I said laughing

"But who will take care of you?" 

"I can take care of myself E" I answered , wondering what 1950s sitcom this kid is living in

"NO NO YOU CAN'T TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO PUT A HITCH ON A TRAILER! YOU NEED A HUSBAND!" and with that pronouncement the conversation is done.

:)

eating disorders suck

• I buy clothes that are too big because I am sure they will fit me
• I lie to get out of meals
• I take too many sleeping pills because I’m sure that because of my size I require more
• I panic trying on clothes
• I purge into the trash because I don’t want people to hear me in the bathroom
• I over exercise
• I starve
• I put food into safe/unsafe, easy to purge/hard to purge categories
• I wish I was thin
• I’m exhausted all the time
• I dream about eating, then wake up panicking until I realize it was just a dream
• I take laxatives
• I swear I won’t purge again, but then do it all over the next time i eat
• I worry about gaining weight
• I hate my body
• I’m on anti-depressants
• I’m in therapy
• I am unlovable
• I am a bad role model to the kids in my family
• I have lost friends because of my e.d.
• I live off coffee and gum
• I want to be perfect
• I’ve went a week without eating
• I have broken all of my rules
• I wish I had never started this
• I cannot stand being touched, I feel like they will judge how fat I am
• I look at pictures of extremely emaciated women and am both horrified and envious of them
• I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy
• I once clogged the dorm showers because I was purging
• I feel lonely all of the time
• I don’t know if I’m worth saving
• I weigh myself at least 4 times a day
• I wish my mother would acknowledge that this e.d. is real
• I wish people would stop lecturing me
• I  sometimes wish I would just die to get out of this cycle.

My niece is pretty talented :)

Here's a link to my niece singing
http://www.kidzbop.com/kidzstarusa/2011/entry/serenaH09

check it out, let me know if you did in the comments :)

Facebook and Gretel

I woke up today and called my mom (who we also call Gretel, don't ask me why I don't know!)

First thing out of her mouth is "Did you see the video on facebook?"

"No Mom, I don't even have a facebook anymore, remember?" I say distractedly trying to remember how many scoops of coffee I've already put into my coffee maker

"Oh" I can practically see the sad face over the phone

"Why should I?" 

"Because your sister posted Serena's singing entry and its so good!" Gretel says enthusiastically over my brother yelling at me that he loves his c.d. I made him (duh, everyone loves Nine Inch Nails).

"Damn, now I want to see it. Which means I have to resign up for the stupid site. ugh" I say slightly miffed. 

So after hanging up I do just that and send a friend request to my sister and ONLY my sister. Within two seconds I get a request from a chick I used to have group therapy with, meh Oh facebook bringing together people who aren't actually friends just for the fact that they can't resist clicking on "recommended friends"

Oh and the really funny part of this is: My mom doesn't even own a computer, she is convinced they are child porn machines set to destroy our society. 

But shes all for her kids having them. She's such a pimp.

lose this number

My mom called last night to tell me that my dad called her. He never ever calls. Which is fine by us, he's a bit of an ass hole. Of course he was drunk. He apparently was whining about what a bad father he was. Maybe if he put down the alcohol once in awhile he'd be able to see outside of himself, but maybe not. He is very self centered, to the point that its almost scary. He asked how all us kids were, he had no idea that my brother was married with a child, or that my sister had another son, or that I live in the same town as him.  He acted shocked that he had no idea about our lives, but why would any of us let him in on them? Trying to connect with him is like trying to connect with an inanimate object. In the end though, he really is missing out on so many great things, I cannot imagine not being there for my family, not seeing my sister and brothers families. In the end, yes he has money, but really I wouldn't trade the close relationships I have with my family for a nice wad of cash. 

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