Wallow, but move ON.

Sometimes I think it's important to blow your shit up and have a good cry, yell and rant. Not all the time, you don't want to be Debbie Downer, but for fucks sake, yes it is ok to have negative feelings about shit. 

Honestly, not everything good in life will at first me to you in a rosy package, ready to be unwrapped.

Sometimes, life will knock you down and it sucks. it fucking SUCKS. and no its not great or wonderful, and all you can do is cry. But after crying you have got to move on. You have to pick up the broken (cliche!) pieces and sift through all the shit and find the good that is there, and if you can't you need to get up and move your pile of bones to a new locale and seek out the people and places that will get you through this unbelievably shitty time with a new perspective and new love of life. 

A lot of the time you won't even want to get up and change things. You will want to sit and wallow and gather around all the "what ifs' and 'why me's?"  but you can't do this. If you're in the bad,  dark place feel it but  move on. Life can suck, but you can't be stuck in that place. There is too much good that comes after, and even BECAUSE of the bad things to just wallow in the shitty. 

Hey, path choose yourself.

My birthday is coming up at the end of March. I've never felt any particular way about milestones passing by, but this year I do. I feel as if I am not anywhere near where I should be in my life. I just want my birthday to pass without notice, because if people notice then they will notice me. I'd rather they not notice me, or what I have failed to do with my life. I can't help but feel like this year I've proven that I am just an awful person.

I've failed out of college, moved in with my mom, gained a shit ton of weight and messed up everything. How do I get back on track? I seriously don't know what to do. i fee awful, like such a disgusting piece of shit. I try to forumulate plans to get back o track but I don't seem to have any idea on how to get there.

I used to think that if I did one thing it would lead down a path and get me to where I wanted to be. I don't think that way anymore. I know now that if i do something it does not necessariy lead to happiy ever after, life is not like that. I wish that things were like a movie where everything wraps up in the end in a nice tidy perfect gift.

I just don't know what I am doing anymore. I need a sign, push, thunk on the noggin that wil tell me, "GO THIS WAY"   It always feels as if everyone else is onfident of the road they are travelling, and I am always turning back, checking the map, worrying that this is not where I should go.

How do other people do it? How in the hell do people know what path to choose? Argh, why can't i just know which way to go with my life!?

Ask Yourself

Ask Yourself by mlw83 featuring a silver collar necklace

Zoe Morgan silver collar necklace
$249 - superette.co.nz

Wet Seal ring
15 CAD - intl.wetseal.com

Am I capable of changing?

I dislike the person I have let myself become.
Lazy. Self-destructive. Cynical.
I want to change. I want to become someone to be proud of.
Let the eating disorder go. Let the self-hate go.
I want to be more than this, this thing who measures worth out it calories.
To do this, to become someone capable of loving life, of being loved: I need to be strong.
I want to make my family proud. I want them to be able to look at me and not feel pity.
Life should be more than this mental struggle.
I know that somewhere inside of me is the will to do things right. Its not enough to wish for things to change, I have to actively pursue it.

fat and ugly.

God I hate when people feel the need to say, "You're not ugly" It is so annoying. There are worse things in life than not having a pretty face. Like having an ugly personality. I would rather be nice than pretty. Sure it'd be nice to be both, but that's not how life works and trying to deny what you are or aren't is such a waste of time. I do admit that's why I focus on being thin, I can't change my face but I can at least try to be skinny. Yes it's shallow but in my mind its better to be the ugly skinny girl than to be fat and ugly. Heck who in their right mind wold want to be both of those things? I feel like the less space I take up the less noticeable my ugly face is

Broke College Girl Wine Time!

I very much want to apologize for the fattiness of me in recovery, but I won't.

The wine is good, its 10$ perfect for people whose wallets are tight right now. Go get some :) 

I woke up at 8:20 am. Class is at 8:40. I thought about just skipping but I haven't missed any classes this semester so I dragged myself to it...and it was cancelled! Whoot whoot. One of the girls was their complaining about this fact. Um chick class being cancelled is never ever a bad thing! I still have my psychology of gender class to go to, but after that I'm done :)

I have been in a cultural bubble for far to long. I need to travel. I need to get outside my comfort zone and meet new people. I need to....just live.

Drunk Neighbors....yeah

My neighbors get drunk almost EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. I will be sound asleep and here they come running down the hall like their hair's on fire. Last night i heard on of them yelling "I hate you!" over and over again. I then heard the other girl yell some jibberish back at her. After that I turned on my fan to full blast and luckily was able to fall back asleep.
I wonder how these chicks can drink so much. i mean yeah I drink...but not every night and certainly not on school nights. I know that sounds geeky but I'm currently on academic probation, so its really important I do well. Anyways I'm all for partying, but must they wake me up? Ugh. And of course I'm to timid to tell them to shut up. My old roomie would have been great in this situation, she was so good at just saying, "shut up". I need to channel my inner aggressor and stand up for myself. Ha like that will ever happen!! I don't like confrontation. I really hate it. I think it is because growing up the house was usually in chaos mode. Full on screaming, throwing things, etc. I still get really uncomfortable when it comes to arguments. Last time I was home my sister and her husband had a tiny fight and I had to leave the room. I just have no coping skills with it.

I worry about too many things. Yet I hardly ever take action to make things better. I just sit here and let the anxiety overwhelm me. I let all my issues cover me. I wish that my mind would rewire itself into a brain that can handle stress.

I'm going to try to recover

Reasons to recover
(for me personally)

I would be a better role model to my nieces
I would be healthy
I wouldn’t have to lie all the time
I would sleep better
I would be able to concentrate
I would be more social
I’d enjoy food
The scale wouldn’t dictate what I was/wasn’t allowed to eat
I wouldn’t have to purge
I wouldn’t use pills as punishment
If I died my friend and family would suffer.
 
I actually made this list when I was contemplating whether or not I wanted to recover. I brought it to my therapy session when I told my therapist I wanted to get better. She was pretty excited, lol as was I. I am determined to kick my eds ass.

FUCK

I hate that feeling when I'm angry and frustrated and want to cry but won't let myself so the muscles in my jaw tense up. I hate that instead of being angry at people, who actually deserve it, I will take this anger and bundle it up and take it out on myself.  I won't say to the person, "You fucked up and you need to fix this" No I won't say that because I'm weak and worthless and even if people do screw up, its only me that's getting hurt so its not a big deal. I can wrap it up and take it out on myself.

Mondays, I love them

I've been very productive today. Had my morning class and after went straight to the gym. There was a girl there who wasn't wearing a good bra and her poor boobs were getting flung here there and EVERYWHERE. Ha, a guy walked in and just stared for a good 5 seconds before looking away. I can't blame him, I'm straight and even I was distracted by her boobs.
After the gym I went to pick up my package (I ordered a poster of "starry night"). I got a very nice surprise from my friend Britt, she sent the nicest card I think I've ever gotten. She is so sweet!
After that I turned in my application to the school newspaper and got the job! Ha they must be desperate!! But I'm pleased :)
Just got done turning in my reference page for my thesis class, now I'm going to go RELAX. :)

1st day of the last year of college

Well first day of classes went well. Its not exactly scary anymore since its my last year here! And thank GOD it is my last year here!!  So ready to be gone.

that pictures sums up how I feel here. Everyone's buzzing around in their little niche's and I'm just floating on the outside of it all. 

I'm not exactly unhappy but I'm not happy either. I wish that I had done a lot of things differently with my time here, maybe I could still try to fix everything but in the end my fear of rejection makes me isolate and not really connect with many people. 

Lately I've felt a disconnect with life. Looking back on this past year I have done nothing to be proud of, nothing worth the air I breathed.
I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I am consumed by fear, fear of rejection, fear of gaining weight, fear of rejection. And so I isolate and coast through life.

Places I want to go.

Norway

France

England

Hawaii

Tanzania

New York City

Japan

And so many more I don't think I could list them all

not sure what i'm doing anymore.

Been struggling a bit with eating. I didn't eat for 2 days, but just had some rice and tomatoes. I feel too full. Sitting here trying to distract myself from purging, so thought I'd blog a bit and hope the feeling goes away. Its funny how so little food can feel like a binge. Adding it up in my head, 400 or so calories, not near a binge. but I find myself feeling as if any food is too much. I pick up food and think, do I deserve this? And invariably the answer is no. So I put it down and make more tea. If I do eat than I feel like I have failed. I didn't deserve that food, so why did I eat it? Oh right because I need it to live. 

Seems to me I've been lost awhile now but have yet to find myself. More and more I have no idea who I am. I think a lot of times that people who've met me these past couple years haven't really gotten to know me. They've gotten to know the depression, the eating disorder, but have they been able to meet me? Probably not. Sure there are glimmers of the real me, but usually it is quickly squashed by self hate and bad behaviors. I know what I should do, but its so hard to actually do it. I know I should eat, exercise moderately etc etc. But when it comes down to it I'm just not ready to uncover who I really am.

Six year old logic is HILARIOUS.

My 6 year old nephew and I were out walking his baby brother the other day when Eli looked at me very seriously and asked "Lee are you ever going to get married?"

To which I quickly replied, "I don't think so" 

"You have to get married!" Eli said with all his 6 year old wisdom about adult relationships

"No I don't, I can live alone, have my own house with a dog and a cat and friends and be happy" I said laughing

"But who will take care of you?" 

"I can take care of myself E" I answered , wondering what 1950s sitcom this kid is living in

"NO NO YOU CAN'T TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO PUT A HITCH ON A TRAILER! YOU NEED A HUSBAND!" and with that pronouncement the conversation is done.

:)

Please do not give up on me, although I seem to be a mess lately. 

yes I admit I've been difficult and i will try my best to be better

Just please don't start  ignoring my texts and calls, because I really need you.

wish lists and materialism

I admit I love shopping. I just am too poor to buy the things I covet. Currently #1 on my wish list is a polaroid instant camera.

We had one when i was a kid, i called up my mom and asked her if she still had it but it was broken in a move :(

So I added it to my amazon wish list, not that anyone actually buys me stuff on it. I usually do the buying :) The list is a bit out of control at the moment, but its fun to window shop.