Lately I been relapsing into old eating disorder behaviors. I realize that nothing good will come from this but I find it hard to care. I feel as if since I don't matter, it doesn't matter. Of course the more I restrict the stronger these worthless feeling become.

I have no direction in my life, just feel like everything I've tried to do I've failed at. Even losing weight, I never got down to the weight I wanted. It's frustrating, I'm so worthless even at the one thing that you'd think I'd be semi-good at.

I wish that I had made different choices in my life, taken a different road. I feel as if these last couple years all I've done is fuck up, consistently.

My Mind.

Words circle in my head, looping around until they form a black nest. Trying to combat them all is exhausting. Mostly I let the snarl of thoughts eat away at me. Just because they aren't happy doesn't mean they aren't true. 

Who cares? I don't.

I feel like I'm losing my grip on recovery. I hardly ate this last week and when I did I purged. There is a part of me that thinks, "this isn't good" but if I am completely honest I don't care. 

I just don't care enough to want to try to get better. I know that this next week I won't eat again or I'll eat the bare minimum. Its Thanksgiving coming up, but I don't know if I'll even get to go home to see my family so just like last year I will probably spend the holiday alone, fasting and exercising.  Which last year, was miserable. But better to be alone and not eating then to be alone and stuffing my fat face with food. Ha why bother eating?! Yes last year was a bit miserable but it was nothing that I can't go through again. Maybe this year I'll let myself eat a bit, but probably not. I have a definite black and white thinking when it comes to eating. Its either eat or fast. Not a lot of wiggle room for the in between. 

Giving In to the E.D.

I can't seem to get a handle on things. Life always seems to run away from me and before I realize, things have gone to shit. Again. Maybe not again. Still. Still shit. And here I am standing in the middle of it all wondering how it ended up like this. Seriously as if I don't know, as if everyone doesn't know why my life is in complete shambles.

That is what an eating disorder does, it rips every thing apart and leaves it slimy finger prints on everything. As I try to put my world back together again (friends, school, me) the ed sneaks in and whispers to me "You are such a waste, why bother?" And I agree. I sit back down and let the unrepaired arts fall back into the muck. Splat, there goes friendships (I don't deserve them), next school (too stupid, such an idiot). Self-esteem, that is so buried in toxic shit I never did pull it out but I dump more on top of it just to be sure that it won't try to threaten the eating disorder "Fat stupid, bad friend, lazy, bad aunt, selfish, disgusting, old  vile" slap all of that on it and its not-likely to make another appearance.

 And I wonder why I don't like myself? Was I disgusting and then the negative talk started or was it that i started the negative self-talk and then felt like a bad person? I've never really liked myself, even as a child I would lay in the tub crying about how disgusting I was. I longed to be like my friends: smart, funny, charismatic, and pretty. My whole life I have always been the homely one , the sister who isn't as good as the rest of the family. Awkward. I saw the wrong things to the wrong people. I am just socially inept. Unlike my sister and brothers who can charm everyone. I am the one who doesn't fit in. that's one of my justifications for not eating. Better to be the smallest thing in the room if I'm going to be so ugly and awkward. Take up less space, and be noticed less.. I tell friends I want to blend into the background. Its true. I don't ant people to notice me. if they notice me then they will see all my flaws. No I'd rather blend into the scenery. I joke that the reason I don't want my picture taken is that I don't want proof I ever existed and actually its true. I would rather people not remember me. I feel like even the memory of me would be a disappointing. Better to forget I ever lived.

I've gained 10 lbs since starting recovery, which I guess is ok. I'm not like jumping for joy but I'm not about to throw myself in front of a bus over it. My weight has settled, hasn't really budged in 2 weeks or so. Maybe this is just the weight I am supposed to be? If it is I'll take it, for now. I keepwaffling on the whole recovery thing. I really do miss the semi-high I got from fasting, I miss setting a goal and reaching it, even if it is a really fucking stupid goal. One thing I have had trouble with lately is wanting to hurt myself, usually I'd just fast to punish myself for being me, but now...its like I have no way to vent those feelings. I did scare myself the other night though, I took way to many pills, like 10x the dose, it didn't do much except make me sleep for a long time. But the thing is, I don't know if I would have cared if it did more. So I feel like, why bother recovering? Couldn't I just go back to that, which is more predictable than the state of mind I am currently in? I feel like either way I'm fucked. Don't eat, screw up, feel bad. Eat, realize how worthless you are and feel bad. I don't know. I'm kind of just waiting til my friends leave on Sunday to decide whether or not to just say fuck this shit and go back to fasting/purging. 

2 unrelated pictures, lol.

1st pic is probably what I'll dress up as for halloween. I'm worried since I've gained weight since the last time I wore it....

and send is just a random art journal page I made the other night. :)

God I'm Dull

Eating disorders are really boring. They push out everything interesting from your life and replace it with dull, dry, boring. I had this thought when I was at the grocery store, buying "safe" food (carrots, broccoli, gum). EDs are just so damn dull. I'm so damn dull when I am in the throes of it. All my energy goes towards planning what I'm going to eat or when I can go work out or how many pills I can take to fall asleep. I have no energy for anything important like friends, school, work. I'm just a walking calorie counting zombie. Why the hell is it so hard to break free from this thing? It's not as if it is any good at all.

It's just so hard sometimes.

Sleepy. Lately I've just wanted to curl up in bed and sleep. I'm getting fat and it is depressing. I feel like in the past month I've become even larger.
I look down and it's like my thighs have gotten bigger overnight (not possible, right?) but of course it's true. The scale tells me I'm gaining weight.
hideous. Just too big. Too out of control, eating too much. Stop it. Stop eating. Why are you bothering? Why bother with all this silly life shit when it's just me.
I feel such a deep disgust with myself everytime I eat. I know of course this isn't healthy. Of course it isn't. The wiring in my brain is switched and food is bad and fasting is good.
Everyday I battle with myself and when I eat I feel like I've failed. A big fat failure. Not good enough for anything. Just not strong enough to be anything special.
I just feel like all I'm doing with this recovery is getting fat. And I never got down to an acceptable weight anyways, so why gain weight? Shouldn't I try to lose weight instead?

Among the things I've lost the thing that hurts the most is losing me.

recovery fear

Lately I've had trouble with eating. I keep thinking of a quote about recovery "Eating is not optional". I can't remember where the quote came from but I know its true and I also know that I haven't been doing as good as I could be on this front.
I have a million excuses as to why I skip meals but when I think about it all of them are just stupid. Currently the excuse is that I'm close to 140 lbs, so not eating is ok. Really though its never ok.
But the negative comments certainly seem to come fast whenever I try to eat. I know I need to combat them but somehow lately I find myself just putting the food back after looking at it.
I fear gaining weight. I am so afraid that I will balloon up and become morbidly obese. What if when I start to eat i can't stop? That's the fear.

tempted to go back

Apparently everything I'm feeling is perfectly normal for someone recovering from an e.d. I suppose I should find this somewhat comforting but I really don't. I told my therapist how lately I have the urge to hurt myself and she said it makes sense, I have mostly stopped hurting my body with the e.d. so there is a sense that I should hurt in some way. I don't know, I mean it makes sense but really I just miss the way not eating feels. Its the most comfortable uncomfortable feeling I know.

Nutella!

 I ate Nutella today, first time in years and years. I forgot how good it is!! 
I found a ride home for thanksgiving, none of this skipping the holiday this year. I am going to go and enjoy myself, enjoy being around my family and friends. I'm very excited!!

eat, puke. repeat for great weekend.

Oh my goodness this weekend was tough. I ate, than freaked out about it and made a mess out of things by giving into urges to get rid of the food. 

I'm trying not to dwell on this, but a part of me is so terrified that I will fail at recovery. I don't want to fail, but I'm so scared I will!! and of course there is that part of me that wants to hold onto the eating disorder, ugh. I know that there is a huge part of me that doesn't want it anymore. I want it gone, so why does the other part want it still?? Why does it fight so hard for the eating disorder to stay put? I need to figure out how to ignore/lessen the self-destructive thoughts that the eating disorder perpetuates. I want and need to have an happier internal dialogue, otherwise I will fail at recovery. 
I need to forgive myself for this weekend and start over again.

I'm going to try to recover

Reasons to recover
(for me personally)

I would be a better role model to my nieces
I would be healthy
I wouldn’t have to lie all the time
I would sleep better
I would be able to concentrate
I would be more social
I’d enjoy food
The scale wouldn’t dictate what I was/wasn’t allowed to eat
I wouldn’t have to purge
I wouldn’t use pills as punishment
If I died my friend and family would suffer.
 
I actually made this list when I was contemplating whether or not I wanted to recover. I brought it to my therapy session when I told my therapist I wanted to get better. She was pretty excited, lol as was I. I am determined to kick my eds ass.

recovery quotes

don't fuck up again

Its very late, or very late depending on your point of view and I am wide awake. 

I had a rough day, well or at least the last half was rough. The first half went quite well. I had a meeting with my adviser and we worked it out that I can graduate next spring! I need to really work, but I can do it!

I just need to get my e.d. under control....its going to be difficult. I sure wish I could just wave a magic wand and make it go away. Dang that would be nice, but since we don't live in a magical world I suppose I will have to do the hard work to recover. Getting my degree is definitely worth it, I need to keep my goal in mind. This year is very important, I can not screw up.