^ currently how I feel about recovery/not recovering from my eating disorder. Leaning more towards life sucks less with it, than without it. 

Of course that is not what I am supposed to say or feel. So I keep it to myself. I've gotten good at hiding the unraveling currently going on in my head and body. 

I want to just, not be here, not be in my head all the time. And to a large extent thats what not eating does for me, it breaks things down to the very basics of functioning until I can't. There is not so much anxiety.