About Me
- mlw
- I love my family like crazy, although we're a bit nutty I think we are more functional than most familes I've met. I like to blog and often am trying to figure out what site is best, so far I've settled on blogger. I love cats and very very well behaved dogs (but there really aren't that many around are there?) Diagnosed with an eating disorder, but I am trying not to let it define me.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Monday, June 4, 2012
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
not so obvious as you think
People think that people could realize that depression is not easily seen. Frankly I think its pretty easy to hide. I suppose people think since their pain is such a big thing in their lives they think everyone else should be able to see it. But in all honesty unles you're wearing a giant sign saying "DEPRESSED, SUIICIDAL, IN PAIN" not a lot of people are going to just going to know that things are wrong.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Current Addictions
The Vampire Diaries.
I didn't like this show at all when the pilot aired, I thought it was dull. But a friend of mine loved it and told me that after you get past the horrible first couple of episodes it kicks butt, it reminds me of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Draw Something App.
I have such an addiction to this game, it is ridiculous. Its a good thing I don't have wifi at home otherwise all I'd do is sit and draw crap . Its like pictionary but without the actual interaction with people who yell at you when you can't get it right.
I Bet This Turkey Can Get More Likes Than NOM.
A fan page on Facebook that supports gay rights, and they have a since of humor, which i just love. they're always posting funny,relevant pictures related to their cause.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
always told, never asked.
For weeks I've looked forward to seeing my nieces talent show. She has an amazing voice but recently has become self-conscious about singing in front of family. So I was really looking forward to seeing her sing but today I was told (not asked) by family that I was going to watch my nephew. It bothers me that I never get a say in things. Oh well, hopefully they'll tape it for me.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
I don't know how to answer her questions and so I don't. "Did you eat today?" "Are you purging ?" "Why are you doing this again?" She turns back to look at me, expecting a reply but I don't have any. The silence stretches out until she gets out of the car. I am nauseous and curl up in the back of the mini-van. I watch the clouds go by, listening to the shitty easy listening my sister likes. I hate when she asks me these questions, I don't want to talk about any of it. I don't want to acknowledge what is going on, especially to her, not ever to her.
I read a chapter of Mockingjay and decide that I feel good enough to go back into the party. I'm glad to see I've missed the cake being eaten. My sister is gathering up her kids and my mom is saying her good byes. I've missed almost the whole birthday party. Not that it really matters, kids parties are "brutally dull" to use my brothers words.
I can hear the sound of my niece and her friend singing in the locker room. I laugh about this with my nephew who knows how embarrassed his sister will be once she finds out that the whole pool got to hear their rendition of Justin Beiber's "Boyfriend".
We all finally get into the van. My mom asks how I feel and I tell her fine, it was the heat in the indoor pool that made me sick. It could have been that, unlike my sister I don't automatically think everything wrong is tied to the eating disorder. It pisses me off that she does, but I guess I can't change how she thinks. I just wish that she would quit vocalizing every thought she has about it.
Monday, May 14, 2012
lets tip toe and cater to his every wish
She makes excuses for him the way she used to when he was drinking. He can still pull her into his corner even when its the losing one. Its infuriating the way she defends his every action as if he is always in the right (he quit drinking! lets tip toe and cater to his every wish)
The alcohol has been taken out of the equation but their relationship is still exactly the same, albeit less chaotic. But it is still those two against the rest of us. We don't try to include him enough, he doesn't like get togethers, he doesn't want to come...blah blah blah.
Seriously, when do you stop acting like your grown child is no longer the alcoholic who needs sheltering and start holding him up to the expectations you have for other people?
I suppose that this is how the dynamic in our family will always be. Mom and the boys on one side and my sister with her and me in another. I would like things to change but when one side won't even show up for anything at all, well it sure is hard to form a bond or trust with them.
I think that I expect too much from people. I guess 20 years of having a son that you don't think will ever get sober is likely to have any mom treat them with kid gloves when they do actually stop drinking.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
II just don’t think I can do this anymore. Since I’ve been back with the family I’ve been purging a lot more, and I just hate it. I hate how messy it is, how it really doesn’t get me to my weight loss goals (still fat as fuck) All it does is allow me to fool them into thinking that recovery has stuck but really no it hasn’t. Instead of fasting I’ve just gone to purging a shit ton more. I’m just done, I’m done trying to keep them happy. Let them worry about my not eating, its better than shoving my fingers down my throat every fucking day. I’m going to go back to old habits. It was better than. I need it again.
Friday, May 4, 2012
blog vs privacy?
I've been having trouble deciding just how much to reveal in this blog. Should I keep it light or reveal what's really going on? I have a regular journal that I write in quite a bit, so that helps, but its nice to write here as well and sometimes receive comments and feed back that I don't get in my more personal journal. But I wonder whether this blog is helpful or just me asking for attention that people really could be putting on people who need it more.
I just don't know. I guess since not a lot of people read this that its ok to vent a little and to say true things?
Or is it better to keep things private?
I just don't know. I guess since not a lot of people read this that its ok to vent a little and to say true things?
Or is it better to keep things private?
Monday, April 30, 2012
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
^ currently how I feel about recovery/not recovering from my eating disorder. Leaning more towards life sucks less with it, than without it.
Of course that is not what I am supposed to say or feel. So I keep it to myself. I've gotten good at hiding the unraveling currently going on in my head and body.
I want to just, not be here, not be in my head all the time. And to a large extent thats what not eating does for me, it breaks things down to the very basics of functioning until I can't. There is not so much anxiety.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
This past year I feel like I've learned that confiding in others can really back fire on you. (and them). I don't feel as comfortable as I once did telling people things that are going on in my head and in my life.
I realize that everyone has things going on that they are struggling with and I just don't want to burden them with what is going on with me. And although I miss going to certain people for support I cannot justify it at this time. Perhaps someday I will fee ok with opening up to people again but for now I'll keep things quiet.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Wallow, but move ON.
Sometimes I think it's important to blow your shit up and have a good cry, yell and rant. Not all the time, you don't want to be Debbie Downer, but for fucks sake, yes it is ok to have negative feelings about shit.
Honestly, not everything good in life will at first me to you in a rosy package, ready to be unwrapped.
Sometimes, life will knock you down and it sucks. it fucking SUCKS. and no its not great or wonderful, and all you can do is cry. But after crying you have got to move on. You have to pick up the broken (cliche!) pieces and sift through all the shit and find the good that is there, and if you can't you need to get up and move your pile of bones to a new locale and seek out the people and places that will get you through this unbelievably shitty time with a new perspective and new love of life.
A lot of the time you won't even want to get up and change things. You will want to sit and wallow and gather around all the "what ifs' and 'why me's?" but you can't do this. If you're in the bad, dark place feel it but move on. Life can suck, but you can't be stuck in that place. There is too much good that comes after, and even BECAUSE of the bad things to just wallow in the shitty.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Hey, path choose yourself.
My birthday is coming up at the end of March. I've never felt any particular way about milestones passing by, but this year I do. I feel as if I am not anywhere near where I should be in my life. I just want my birthday to pass without notice, because if people notice then they will notice me. I'd rather they not notice me, or what I have failed to do with my life. I can't help but feel like this year I've proven that I am just an awful person.
I've failed out of college, moved in with my mom, gained a shit ton of weight and messed up everything. How do I get back on track? I seriously don't know what to do. i fee awful, like such a disgusting piece of shit. I try to forumulate plans to get back o track but I don't seem to have any idea on how to get there.
I used to think that if I did one thing it would lead down a path and get me to where I wanted to be. I don't think that way anymore. I know now that if i do something it does not necessariy lead to happiy ever after, life is not like that. I wish that things were like a movie where everything wraps up in the end in a nice tidy perfect gift.
I just don't know what I am doing anymore. I need a sign, push, thunk on the noggin that wil tell me, "GO THIS WAY" It always feels as if everyone else is onfident of the road they are travelling, and I am always turning back, checking the map, worrying that this is not where I should go.
How do other people do it? How in the hell do people know what path to choose? Argh, why can't i just know which way to go with my life!?
I've failed out of college, moved in with my mom, gained a shit ton of weight and messed up everything. How do I get back on track? I seriously don't know what to do. i fee awful, like such a disgusting piece of shit. I try to forumulate plans to get back o track but I don't seem to have any idea on how to get there.
I used to think that if I did one thing it would lead down a path and get me to where I wanted to be. I don't think that way anymore. I know now that if i do something it does not necessariy lead to happiy ever after, life is not like that. I wish that things were like a movie where everything wraps up in the end in a nice tidy perfect gift.
I just don't know what I am doing anymore. I need a sign, push, thunk on the noggin that wil tell me, "GO THIS WAY" It always feels as if everyone else is onfident of the road they are travelling, and I am always turning back, checking the map, worrying that this is not where I should go.
How do other people do it? How in the hell do people know what path to choose? Argh, why can't i just know which way to go with my life!?
Thursday, February 16, 2012
I certainly have felt this way at times. Perhaps it is just because of my own insecurities. When I am in a group I find myself comparing myself to others. And it doesn't help that I hang out with are pretty amazing people, which highlights my repulsiveness. Usually I just try to hang back. I see how others interact and wish that I was as charismatic and likable as other people. Instead I am forever putting my foot in my mouth!
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Lately I been relapsing into old eating disorder behaviors. I realize that nothing good will come from this but I find it hard to care. I feel as if since I don't matter, it doesn't matter. Of course the more I restrict the stronger these worthless feeling become.
I have no direction in my life, just feel like everything I've tried to do I've failed at. Even losing weight, I never got down to the weight I wanted. It's frustrating, I'm so worthless even at the one thing that you'd think I'd be semi-good at.
I wish that I had made different choices in my life, taken a different road. I feel as if these last couple years all I've done is fuck up, consistently.
I have no direction in my life, just feel like everything I've tried to do I've failed at. Even losing weight, I never got down to the weight I wanted. It's frustrating, I'm so worthless even at the one thing that you'd think I'd be semi-good at.
I wish that I had made different choices in my life, taken a different road. I feel as if these last couple years all I've done is fuck up, consistently.
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