The weird warped thinking I currently have

My head is currently a very negative place to be.

I don't understand why I am so attached to this eating disorder, but I am. Even when in the past its really fucked up my life, I still go back to it as if it will solve all my problem.

Which of course is utter bullshit. It never solves anything. It makes things worse. But there is a sort of  calm that comes with it. If I'm not eating, than I don't have to think about much else. It all gets bared down to the basic functions. Sleep. Wake, Move about the day in a daze, drop.

Make everything about numbers, calories and weight. If I make it x days without food, it means that I'm ok, that I can accomplish something, even if that means dropping everything else in my life. There is a weird sense of safety in it.

volunteering and other thoughts.

I woke up late today, but thats ok because I had no class this morning! 

 I have an appointment next week to interview to volunteer at the Ronald McDonald House. I'm excited. I hope that they let me volunteer.  

With this blog I was a little worried about mentioning my eating disorder, but I actually think its a good thing. I don't want people to judge me based just on that alone. I hope that this blog will let people realize that e.d.s can really affect anyone, its not the stereotype that you always see in tv and movies.

Tattoo

I'e had this tattoo for about a year or so, I want to add to it, but I can't make up my mind what will make it look better.  I'm thinking that something music related, but not quite sure. 

Any ideas?

body envy.

Sitting in class, I have skinny minnies, to the left, to the right and behind me. I am way to envious of them. They seem so much more confident in their teeny skinny bodies than I will ever be in my giant one. I feel too big for the chairs. I can hear it squeak, I am sure that its about to give out. I wonder if I should replace it with a new chair, one that might be better made to handle my largeness. I think about how odd that would look, me getting up and grabbing a new chair and my shyness keeps me from doing it. I send a little prayer up to heaven that the chair will hold me until the end of class, that my thighs will stop spilling out over the sides, that I will MAGICALLY, be made tinier, smarter, prettier, nicer, better. 

talent? meh not so much.

I am not a talented person. I can't draw, or sing, or write or do any of the things that would make people say, "she has so much talent" 

Of course that doesn't mean I'm not good at anything, but it does mean that the things I can do rarely get noticed. I think that's actually common. we tend to think of talent as something that has to be showy. When if I think about it there are a million things someone might have a knack for that will never ever be applauded on a stage or in reviews. 

And why should that make it any less of a talent? Or something to be proud of and praised. Not all God given gifts are meant for acclaim by the masses. And thank goodness for that. I can't imagine if every day we were expected to make a huge fuss over everyone's every good deeds and things they did well. It would be exhausting.

My nephew who is 1 likes to bang on his toy piano and afterwards he always looks around to make sure someone is watching. Then he'll get a huge grin on his face and start clapping for himself. 

Maybe that's what I need to start doing, applauding my own accomplishments, no matter if no one else does. If I can start to focus more on what I do right instead of wrong, maybe the eating disorder won't have such a hold on me anymore.

A few things I couldn't live without.

I love tea, especially black tea. Fruity teas are my least favorite, unless they are made ice cold. right now though I just brewed some coffee, very strong like my mom taught me to make it. My brothers say the women in our family make coffee so strong it can strip veneer off wood. 

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Baths. Ah one of my favorite activities ever. I can spend way too much time in one. Give me some bubbles, a book and a glass of wine and you might not see me for awhile. Its one of the worst things about living in the dorms, no way I'm ever setting foot in a bath here! Showers until I visit home than I take over my mom's tub.

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Books! How anyone can say they don't like to read is beyond my understanding. I love getting into a good story and forgetting everything else for a bit. I'm definitely not a book snob. I like pretty much everything except the horror genre. 

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I love Disney movies. I own way to many of them. My favorite is Beauty and the Beast. Least favorite, The Little Mermaid. I never understood what she was complaining about. Poor Ariel, a princess with everything, dang poor thing must be hard!

new hair cut.

One of my favorite haircuts in a long time! :-)

Summer Restlessness.

I would like to swim. Its been too long. Its stifling in here at the moment, I can feel the heat pressing down on me. usually I am too cold. it irritates my family the way I am always grabbing blankets to cuddle up with, even when everyone else is running hot. But now, I feel like the summer is hitting me all in one big sweaty disgusting slap.  This weather makes me feel restless, like I should be out doing something other than this. I can hear people setting of firecrackers and even though I have never been a huge fan of them, I wish I had some sort of activity to occupy my time with until my class starts on Tuesday. I am worried that this summer will be like all the rest. I want change. I want adventure, but more than likely all I'll end up doing is continue to be trapped in my own head.