What am I doing with my life?
Well fucking it up. I cannot seem to get over this eating disorder. I don't even know if I want to. Isn't that stupid? But it's just easier, this kind of self harm, rather than the kind I veer towards when I don't fast/restrict/purge.
I think when I'm trying to eat normally my anxiety goes up and I have no coping mechanisms so my suicidal thoughts go up and my reckless behavior goes up as well. At least with my eating disorder behaviors I feel somewhat safe, even though, yes I realize it's a lie. But it's one I think I'll keep for now.