About Me

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I love my family like crazy, although we're a bit nutty I think we are more functional than most familes I've met. I like to blog and often am trying to figure out what site is best, so far I've settled on blogger. I love cats and very very well behaved dogs (but there really aren't that many around are there?) Diagnosed with an eating disorder, but I am trying not to let it define me.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

what's been going on with me?

sister knows i've relapsed and things are tense between us
fell and bashed up my face pretty badly,had to go to e.r.
alcoholic brother still is an asshole
i want to go curl up and hide until my anxiety goes away.

Monday, June 4, 2012

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

not so obvious as you think

People think that people could realize that depression is not easily seen. Frankly I think its pretty easy to hide. I suppose people think since their pain is such a big thing in their lives they think everyone else should be able to see it. But in all honesty unles you're wearing a giant sign saying "DEPRESSED, SUIICIDAL, IN PAIN"  not a lot of people are going to just going to know that things are wrong. 

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Current Addictions

The Vampire Diaries. 

I didn't like this show at all when the pilot aired, I thought it was dull. But a friend of mine loved it and told me that after you get past the horrible first couple of episodes it kicks butt, it reminds me of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Draw Something App. 
I have such an addiction to this game, it is ridiculous. Its a good thing I don't have wifi at home otherwise all I'd do is sit and draw crap .  Its like pictionary but without the actual interaction with people who yell at you when you can't get it right. 

I Bet This Turkey Can Get More Likes Than NOM. 

A fan page on Facebook that supports gay rights, and they have a since of humor, which i just love.  they're always posting funny,relevant pictures related to their cause. 

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

always told, never asked.

For weeks I've looked forward to seeing my nieces talent show. She has an amazing voice but recently has become self-conscious about singing in front of family. So I was really looking forward to seeing her sing but today I was told (not asked) by family that I was going to watch my nephew.  It bothers me that I never get a say in things. Oh well, hopefully they'll tape it for me.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

 I don't know how to answer her questions and so I don't. "Did you eat today?" "Are you purging ?" "Why are you doing this again?"  She turns back to look at me, expecting a reply but I don't have any. The silence stretches out until she gets out of the car. I am nauseous and curl up in the back of the mini-van. I watch the clouds go by, listening to the shitty easy listening my sister likes. I hate when she asks me these questions, I don't want to talk about any of it. I don't want to acknowledge what is going on, especially to her, not ever to her. 
I read a chapter of Mockingjay and decide that I feel good enough to go back into the party. I'm glad to see I've missed the cake being eaten. My sister is gathering up her kids and my mom is saying her good byes. I've missed almost the whole birthday party. Not that it really matters, kids parties  are "brutally dull" to use my brothers words. 
I can hear the sound of my niece and her friend singing in the locker room. I laugh about this with my nephew who knows how embarrassed his sister will be once she finds out that the whole pool got to hear their rendition of Justin Beiber's "Boyfriend". 
We all finally get into the van. My mom asks how I feel and I tell her fine, it was the heat in the indoor pool that made me sick. It could have been that, unlike my sister I don't automatically think everything wrong is tied to the eating disorder. It pisses me off that she does, but I guess I can't change how she thinks. I just wish that she would quit vocalizing every thought she has about it. 

Monday, May 14, 2012

whine with that?

lets tip toe and cater to his every wish

She makes excuses for him the way she used to when he was drinking. He can still pull her into his corner even when its the losing one. Its infuriating the way she defends his every action as if he is always in the right (he quit drinking! lets tip toe and cater to his every wish)

The alcohol has been taken out of the equation but their relationship is still exactly the same, albeit less chaotic. But it is still those two against the rest of us. We don't try to include him enough, he doesn't like get togethers, he doesn't want to come...blah blah blah. 

Seriously, when do you stop acting like your grown child is no longer the alcoholic who needs sheltering and start  holding him up to the expectations you have for other people?

I suppose that this is how the dynamic in our family will always be. Mom and the boys on one side and my sister with her and me in another.  I would like things to change but when one side won't even show up for anything at all, well it sure is hard to form a bond or trust with them.

I think that I expect too much from people. I guess 20 years of having a son that you don't think will ever get sober is likely to have any mom treat them with kid gloves when they do actually stop drinking.