About Me

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I love my family like crazy, although we're a bit nutty I think we are more functional than most familes I've met. I like to blog and often am trying to figure out what site is best, so far I've settled on blogger. I love cats and very very well behaved dogs (but there really aren't that many around are there?) Diagnosed with an eating disorder, but I am trying not to let it define me.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Sometimes I wish I had more support, it's so hard! One of the things I do that drives me batty is I'll buy food with the intent of being healthy and eat one or two meals from it and then throw it all out. Its maddening, and flipping expensive. I panic when I have food in the house, my mind always goes to "this is too much food, you are going to gain a ton of weight, etc etc." Although I've never ever been a binge-r the thought terrifies me. It is my biggest fear with recovery, that I will swing the other way and become a binge eater. I get so scared at that thought that throwing out the food makes sense, or at least in the moment it does. Afterwards, like now when i think, ah shit you're broke with no food that's not good. But of course then its eating disorder by default, no food, no $, no eating. Ugh. I wish i had some sort of support here. I just seem to be stuck in this fasting cycle. And of course the more i fast the wonkier my thinking is. The other day after fasting for idk, a few days i had oatmeal and immediately purged it, then threw out all the other oatmeal. My thinking is so not good right now. I feel very trapped tbh

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