About Me

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I love my family like crazy, although we're a bit nutty I think we are more functional than most familes I've met. I like to blog and often am trying to figure out what site is best, so far I've settled on blogger. I love cats and very very well behaved dogs (but there really aren't that many around are there?) Diagnosed with an eating disorder, but I am trying not to let it define me.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

I've gained 10 lbs since starting recovery, which I guess is ok. I'm not like jumping for joy but I'm not about to throw myself in front of a bus over it. My weight has settled, hasn't really budged in 2 weeks or so. Maybe this is just the weight I am supposed to be? If it is I'll take it, for now. I keepwaffling on the whole recovery thing. I really do miss the semi-high I got from fasting, I miss setting a goal and reaching it, even if it is a really fucking stupid goal. One thing I have had trouble with lately is wanting to hurt myself, usually I'd just fast to punish myself for being me, but now...its like I have no way to vent those feelings. I did scare myself the other night though, I took way to many pills, like 10x the dose, it didn't do much except make me sleep for a long time. But the thing is, I don't know if I would have cared if it did more. So I feel like, why bother recovering? Couldn't I just go back to that, which is more predictable than the state of mind I am currently in? I feel like either way I'm fucked. Don't eat, screw up, feel bad. Eat, realize how worthless you are and feel bad. I don't know. I'm kind of just waiting til my friends leave on Sunday to decide whether or not to just say fuck this shit and go back to fasting/purging. 

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