Oh my goodness this weekend was tough. I ate, than freaked out about it and made a mess out of things by giving into urges to get rid of the food.
I'm trying not to dwell on this, but a part of me is so terrified that I will fail at recovery. I don't want to fail, but I'm so scared I will!! and of course there is that part of me that wants to hold onto the eating disorder, ugh. I know that there is a huge part of me that doesn't want it anymore. I want it gone, so why does the other part want it still?? Why does it fight so hard for the eating disorder to stay put? I need to figure out how to ignore/lessen the self-destructive thoughts that the eating disorder perpetuates. I want and need to have an happier internal dialogue, otherwise I will fail at recovery.
I need to forgive myself for this weekend and start over again.
- I love my family like crazy, although we're a bit nutty I think we are more functional than most familes I've met. I like to blog and often am trying to figure out what site is best, so far I've settled on blogger. I love cats and very very well behaved dogs (but there really aren't that many around are there?) Diagnosed with an eating disorder, but I am trying not to let it define me.