not sure what i'm doing anymore.

Been struggling a bit with eating. I didn't eat for 2 days, but just had some rice and tomatoes. I feel too full. Sitting here trying to distract myself from purging, so thought I'd blog a bit and hope the feeling goes away. Its funny how so little food can feel like a binge. Adding it up in my head, 400 or so calories, not near a binge. but I find myself feeling as if any food is too much. I pick up food and think, do I deserve this? And invariably the answer is no. So I put it down and make more tea. If I do eat than I feel like I have failed. I didn't deserve that food, so why did I eat it? Oh right because I need it to live. 

Seems to me I've been lost awhile now but have yet to find myself. More and more I have no idea who I am. I think a lot of times that people who've met me these past couple years haven't really gotten to know me. They've gotten to know the depression, the eating disorder, but have they been able to meet me? Probably not. Sure there are glimmers of the real me, but usually it is quickly squashed by self hate and bad behaviors. I know what I should do, but its so hard to actually do it. I know I should eat, exercise moderately etc etc. But when it comes down to it I'm just not ready to uncover who I really am.