I hate this nervous energy I get. Anxious for no reason at all. I don't want to move. I don't want to sit still. I want to cease to be until I feel normal again. I crawl back under the covers and try to make my heart calm down. I listen to my breathing. Days when the anxiety is particularly bad, even the sound of my own breath makes me want to scream.

I try to explain the anxiety to others, but they don't understand that there is no reason for it. If I could put a finger on it, I would. I would happily fix it, or realize I can't fix it and move on. But no, this is not that kind of worry. This is the worry that has no origin. When I can't place where the worry should go, I just decide that its me, I am the one who is the cause of the worry. There must be something wrong with me, deep down, that makes the worry come in black waves that immobilizes me until I can't think or take action in any direction.

The only direction I seem to be able to take in these moments is to fall straight back into my e.d. It eases the worry. It is something to focus on besides how utterly useless and stupid I am.