Giving In to the E.D.

I can't seem to get a handle on things. Life always seems to run away from me and before I realize, things have gone to shit. Again. Maybe not again. Still. Still shit. And here I am standing in the middle of it all wondering how it ended up like this. Seriously as if I don't know, as if everyone doesn't know why my life is in complete shambles.

That is what an eating disorder does, it rips every thing apart and leaves it slimy finger prints on everything. As I try to put my world back together again (friends, school, me) the ed sneaks in and whispers to me "You are such a waste, why bother?" And I agree. I sit back down and let the unrepaired arts fall back into the muck. Splat, there goes friendships (I don't deserve them), next school (too stupid, such an idiot). Self-esteem, that is so buried in toxic shit I never did pull it out but I dump more on top of it just to be sure that it won't try to threaten the eating disorder "Fat stupid, bad friend, lazy, bad aunt, selfish, disgusting, old  vile" slap all of that on it and its not-likely to make another appearance.

 And I wonder why I don't like myself? Was I disgusting and then the negative talk started or was it that i started the negative self-talk and then felt like a bad person? I've never really liked myself, even as a child I would lay in the tub crying about how disgusting I was. I longed to be like my friends: smart, funny, charismatic, and pretty. My whole life I have always been the homely one , the sister who isn't as good as the rest of the family. Awkward. I saw the wrong things to the wrong people. I am just socially inept. Unlike my sister and brothers who can charm everyone. I am the one who doesn't fit in. that's one of my justifications for not eating. Better to be the smallest thing in the room if I'm going to be so ugly and awkward. Take up less space, and be noticed less.. I tell friends I want to blend into the background. Its true. I don't ant people to notice me. if they notice me then they will see all my flaws. No I'd rather blend into the scenery. I joke that the reason I don't want my picture taken is that I don't want proof I ever existed and actually its true. I would rather people not remember me. I feel like even the memory of me would be a disappointing. Better to forget I ever lived.