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I love my family like crazy, although we're a bit nutty I think we are more functional than most familes I've met. I like to blog and often am trying to figure out what site is best, so far I've settled on blogger. I love cats and very very well behaved dogs (but there really aren't that many around are there?) Diagnosed with an eating disorder, but I am trying not to let it define me.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

It's just so hard sometimes.

Sleepy. Lately I've just wanted to curl up in bed and sleep. I'm getting fat and it is depressing. I feel like in the past month I've become even larger.
I look down and it's like my thighs have gotten bigger overnight (not possible, right?) but of course it's true. The scale tells me I'm gaining weight.
hideous. Just too big. Too out of control, eating too much. Stop it. Stop eating. Why are you bothering? Why bother with all this silly life shit when it's just me.
I feel such a deep disgust with myself everytime I eat. I know of course this isn't healthy. Of course it isn't. The wiring in my brain is switched and food is bad and fasting is good.
Everyday I battle with myself and when I eat I feel like I've failed. A big fat failure. Not good enough for anything. Just not strong enough to be anything special.
I just feel like all I'm doing with this recovery is getting fat. And I never got down to an acceptable weight anyways, so why gain weight? Shouldn't I try to lose weight instead?

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