My head is currently a very negative place to be.
I don't understand why I am so attached to this eating disorder, but I am. Even when in the past its really fucked up my life, I still go back to it as if it will solve all my problem.
Which of course is utter bullshit. It never solves anything. It makes things worse. But there is a sort of calm that comes with it. If I'm not eating, than I don't have to think about much else. It all gets bared down to the basic functions. Sleep. Wake, Move about the day in a daze, drop.
Make everything about numbers, calories and weight. If I make it x days without food, it means that I'm ok, that I can accomplish something, even if that means dropping everything else in my life. There is a weird sense of safety in it.